I will just start this post by saying, it took some courage from me just to hit publish...I never share my TRUE feelings like this very often.
I am so full of so many mixed feelings, emotions right now. Let me explain...grab a cup a coffee...you may be here awhile if you decide to stick it through, need to get my thoughts out there. They are going all over the place today....beware.
We went to a friends church today...the first time we have been to church in entirely toooo long. I miss being in church, ever since we moved here we hardly ever go because 1) Hubby works 6 days a week and likes to sleep in atleast one day. 2)the church we love is far away 3) the new churches we have tried just haven't...umm...I don't know, we just weren't comfortable I guess you could say.
Anyways...we haven't been going. I miss it. Hubby..well he could take it or leave it. That is hard. I have this part of me that knows I am missing out. I do pray...everyday...I do absolutley believe. Ugh...what am I trying to say. I believe but I don't always live it. I know when I do wrong but I still do it. Does that make sense? I know I'm not living the life I should and sincerely know that I need to change and then I don't.
What do you ask is my number one fault....I would say....I cuss like a sailor at times. Yes..Me. I do. Sorry if this shocks you, I am trying to be brutally honest here. Do I think cussing in itself is evil..not really. Just inapproapriate at times.
I feel like I am reaching for something that I can't quite reach. He's there..right? He's waiting for me...right? Why is it that I can feel it...I can really feel it but not ever Hear Him? I can say I will pray for someone and I truly do pray for sooo many people out there but when it comes to myself, why don't I pray for me. I am told that you can have a "relationship" with God and truly believe that people do but what am I doing wrong that I don't feel like I truly have one. I honeslty feel like I am on the brink of finding.....but never quite get there.
The pastor said something in sermon today that truly just hit home like never before. If someone was to ask you, "are you saved?" and you say I am 99.9% sure that I am saved then really are you? Because if you are .1% uncertain, than are you saved? (he said more but that was the jist of it) Wow. Knock me over. I do have that uncertainty...I have been "saved" before but never lived the life like I should have so does that mean really I am not? I truly left in tears...not sure of much in this area anymore. Craving for guidance but letting my stupid pride stop me from talking to someone because I didn't want to look stupid...and that truly is what makes me look stupid. I didn't ask. Now, I am here in tears praying to understand. I worry about the stupid things that shouldn't matter. I let my pride get in the way. I hinder my own relationship with God and don't know how to stop. How do I let God in when I so badly want too but never do? And does any of this makes sense to anyone but me?
There are several blogs out there that have been such an inspiration to me here latley and woman that you can tell just in their writing that they have that relationship. I am praying that one day, I too can say that on a daily base, I feel like I am learning in my relationship with God. I am all over the place right now...with a million more thoughts floating through but will give it a rest. I just really wish that...at this point...there was someone to guide the way to the answers I'm looking for. Or just tell me I'm crazy. That too I could understand!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
True Feelings....
Posted by T at 9:17 PM
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7 comments:
Tabi, I can honestly say I have been where you are. After the GD & I got married, I really got away from God. For so many reasons, none of which was a good enough reason. I wish I had the right words to say to you, the one thing I will say...Find someone, maybe the pastor from the church you visited somone who is a Godly woman or man that you can talk to about this. You know my email if you want to talk to me! I will be praying for you Tabi!
I soo know what you mean. I have been feeling the same way in my relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus. I know that I believe but I always feel things are just out of my reach. When I feel guidance, is it his or just my own selfish wants.
For me I just keep asking. Asking in prayer, asking when I read the scriptures asking when I feel a connection with a person I admire. As long as I am moving forward I think it is in the right direction.
I was saved when I was very young and grew up in church. My advice to you would be to pray and read your Bible. Start attending church when you can and it will all fall into place. Just always remember you don't have to change first for God to accept you. If you were saved in the past than that doesn't just go away, your saved for LIFE. Your actions doesn't change that. All you can do is try to get closer and you will hear him loud and clear. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, I'm always here. (So is God)! I'd love to try and help you. And hey, No worries of embarrassment with me.
{{Hugs}}
Will you email me (holliea {at} ymail {dot} com)? I would absolutely LOVE to be a friend for you to lean on and trust! I don't have all the answers, but I believe support and encouragement is huge! I would love to meet for coffee!
Hey...I know it's last minute, but maybe since you don't have kids today we could plan a last minute get together!
Hi Tabi!
I know you don't know me, but I've read your blog a few times and we have a mutual friend in Hollie...the Drama Mama. She and I go to church together and knew each other before we also became blogging friends. I hope your coffee get together went well with her. I want to encourage you and let you know that I am praying for you today. I think it is so courageous that you wrote about your true feelings on your blog. I was just thinking today that I need to be more authentic on my blog. I've been down a bit lately, and I so often try to only share my life when things are going well. We are all human. And you're not crazy. The holy spirit is working on your heart, that's all. I'm always around if you want to drop me a line..or leave a comment. I'm always looking for new blogging friends!
I think by this post you took a great big first step in a wonderful walk with your relationship with God. And see how he blessed you in return already.... a day off with kids, just in time to meet a new christian sister/and friend at Chick-fil-A.... where the kids can play....and with all that Chick-Fil-A gets a little bonus too, God rewarding them for taking Sundays off to worship Him. I love it.
I believe I have a deep relationship with God, but I at times can have the worst mouth too. Where does that come from I wonder at times? How can I let my self go like that. Guilt takes over more than I like to admit.
Being honest is the only way to be in life girl.
Our church motto.... "NO PERFECT PEOPLE ALLOWED". Period. That means ALL are welcome because no one is perfect. NO ONE.
I am from Texas and will be out there for a week in July. Maybe we can plan a park day with my friends out there and all their kids plus my two kiddos.... and I can leave you in some new company.
Hang in there...
Oh and please read the book "Power of a Praying Wife".... if your husband can't be the spiritual leader, maybe you can start.
God Bless.
Hi Tabi! I'm visiting from Mama Kat's. Your Writer's Workshop post led me here and now I know why, it was a God thing. I truly struggled with this for so long too and used to just get so angry, thinking I was doing something wrong that I couldn't hear God. I totally wanted what everyone else but me seemed to have. I still struggle with it at times, but I found that being honest with God was the first step for me. He doesn't want anything but brutal honesty, after all, He knows it all already anyway, right? Also, ask Him how you can work on hearing Him. Are you in His word, that's a great place to start! Get the Bible on CD if you don't have time to read! Good luck and I'm praying for you...beautiful family!
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