If your looking for upbeat...don't stop here.

I have still so much floating around in my head that I don't know where to start or what to say. It's stating the obvious to say that I am sad and heartbroken. I do have to say though that having Lil Miss with us today definitely was a reminder to smile. Anytime someone was crying she would hand over her "honey" (her favorite blanket) and tell them that honey would make the tears go away. She's three and that is just the sweetest thing I have ever seen. Her daddy and her took DziaDzia(that's what the grand kids called him) car to get cleaned today and when she got to his car, she's looked at me with big, blue, sad eyes and said, "he's just gone." Oh my sweet baby girl, yes he is. She understands far more than we had ever expected her too.

My boy is truly the one having the hardest time. He initially thought his dziadzia was gone because the devil took him. That was a hard thing to try to explain to a 6 year old. We got all that explained and taken care of and then I went to go check on him after he was asleep to find him bawling again and finding out that he was really upset because his dzidzia didn't tell him goodbye. This is the one thing that I can't get him to understand but I even struggle with that one. It's hard when you don't get to tell someone goodbye.

I keep seeing all the future memories in my mind that we won't get to have. You know you always have the regrets of what you should have done and they say don't do that but this really isn't the same. I don't really regret the past. I don't regret it because we all had awesome family time and moments and great memories. What I miss is the thought that he won't see my kids grow up. He won't get to be a great grandpa. My mom won't get to grow old with her love. There won't be anymore vacations together and special moments, looks, hugs. We only get to hold on to the past ones and those are incredibly great moments but hard to process that those are it. I am very thankful for those moments but very sad for the lost ones.

My mom is holding up okay. Today was a extremely tough one. The funeral isn't until Friday so the mass majority of people that have been there the last day weren't there today and it was quieter. She actually had time today to not just be numb and busy. She had to physically feel his loss today. I can't change it for her, no matter how bad I really wish I could, I can't. To see her in pain, rips me apart. She's my mom, my best friend, and I just can't change it. I can help her, clean her house, get food, do chores, run errands, I can do all that for her but I can't bring him back.

When will it all seem real? When will it not feel like I am living in a nightmare. It doesn't feel real. It feels like he's away on business like normal and will be back. I will think of something that I would normally ask or talk to him about and it's like a shock to my system each time when I realize, I can't ask him. I can't talk to him. We came back to my moms house yesterday after going to the funeral home and my moms friends husband was sitting in his chair on the porch talking and from a far it sounded like him. My heart just dropped because for a few seconds it didn't register to my brain that it wasn't him. When will those things stop? How will we ever make it through the holidays? Who will sing the Christmas carols so loud and bad that we all laugh? Who will hold my moms hand at the candle light service? Why couldn't we have known that last year would be the last time that ever happened with him? WHY DID HE HAVE TO GO?????? WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SO SUDDEN??????

I'm pissed! I mean really, really pissed. Who is going to be extremely blunt with me even though I get pissed at him? ugh...I HATE this. You know I have always said that I think even though it's hard to watch someone suffer with cancer or something, at least you get your time and warning before hand to say the things you want and prepare yourself. I know with things like that it's still not easy by any means but at least you had warning, that they weren't just suddenly taken away. I used to always say that I think it would be easier and now I have experienced both ways of losing someone and I have to say that I stand by that view. There were too many people who didn't say goodbye. There was so much left to do. He has so much more to give.

I'm sorry for going on and on. I just have to get it all out somehow. Here I am not being strong for anyone. Here, I can be irrational and sad and pissy. Here I don't have to keep going steady. Here I can lose it.

Thank you to each and every one of you who have left sweet comments and who have been praying. It's very nice to hear from someone outside of the situation. It's nice to know that we aren't alone it this. Thank you so much.